Is it better to be loved than feared, or the reverse? The answer is that it is desirable to be both, but because it is difficult to join them together, it is much safer for a prince to be feared than loved, if he is to fail in one of the two.
Niccolò Machiavelli

Life is so much better when you are a Director of Studies. Advantages include:

• higher salary
• less teaching
• own office
• opportunities to humiliate teachers

All you have to do is look busy and keep the school owner happy.

How to look busy

Many years ago a librarian revealed to me the ancient secret of looking busy. It is:

Always have a piece of paper in your hand.

He managed it perfectly, drifting about the building chatting to his friends, but clutching the vital piece of paper. It implies the bearer is engaged on a crucial task.

It helps if you can also frown in a slightly harassed but resolute way. Practise this expression in front of the mirror.

Own office or teachers’ room?

A certain kind of DOS likes to have his desk in the teachers’ room. Ostensibly this is because he wants to be accessible to his “colleagues” (underlings). “I may be the DOS, but I am only a member of the team.” In truth he is so neurotic, he does not want teachers talking about him behind his back.

Forget it. Teachers will always talk about you behind your back. If they cannot do it in the teachers’ room, they will do it in the lavatory. You could have the entire building bugged, I suppose, but what for? Frankly, who cares what a bunch of ill-paid losers think about you?

One of the main perks of being a DOS is having your own office. It should be at least the size of the teachers’ room. Ideally it will have its own bathroom, sofa and satellite television.

Tidy desk or untidy desk?

A tricky one. Tidy desk says: efficient, but not enough to do. Untidy desk says: busy, but disorganized.

Compromise by having a tidy office, with well-labelled files and noticeboards, but a desk with urgent, critical documents demanding your high-powered attention. You can always be frowning at one of these when anyone walks in.

Position of desk

A friend of mine recently moved into a new office. His desk faced the window, which gave on to a splendid view. He was pleased until he realized people would be able to come up behind him. They would be able to see what he was doing on his computer.

Computers are a boon and no DOS’s office is complete without one. Not only can they be used for playing games, emailing friends, browsing the Internet and ogling pornography, but even for writing reports and doing the timetable. When someone walks in, it is a simple matter to flick from (say) pictures of athletic young men in their birthday suits to a spreadsheet showing the teachers’ overtime. But the computer should not be facing the door.

Papers on desk

Teachers can always read pieces of paper upside-down on the DOS’s desk. They are highly skilled at doing this while the DOS is droning on about their crap attitude, etc.

Exploit this by leaving some interesting documents around. For instance:

• In the present financial circumstances we may be forced to reduce the teaching staff by three...
• The new salary rates would be commensurate with the levels of skill and commitment...
• If the director of immigration could be appeased in the traditional fashion, they might not be deported...