Every few months your school will hold some kind of level test. This can be terribly awkward all round. However, there is one golden rule to remember:

All the students must pass except one.

Obviously the students should pass. They have forked out good money for this course. If they do not pass, they will be separated from their friends, have to do all those dull readings and listenings again, and risk the ire and contempt of their parents, bosses or colleagues. They will probably drop out and the school will not collect any more fat fees off them.

More seriously, they and your DOS will blame you.

On the other hand, if they all pass, it looks dodgy. The DOS will mutter something about academic standards. He will suspect you have marked too leniently and may ask to see the scripts. Also, the students will realize it is a doddle to pass and will play up throughout the next level.

Somebody has to fail.

Usually in every class there is one student who is so stupid, even the other students laugh at them. They may not want to sit next to them or do pairwork with them. This is your sacrificial lamb.

Alternatively, if there is a particularly insolent or annoying student, you could fail them. However, these students are often the ablest in the class (and know it).

Obviously, if you have a special relationship with one of the students (involving the exchange of money or body fluids), you will want to coach him or her through the test. But do not be tempted to tell the whole class the answers. There will be a nark who will shop you. You have to be more subtle, helping them to pass without them realising that is what you are doing.

You could leave the question papers lying about a week beforehand. But this does not guarantee that the denser students will answer them correctly.

Instead, prepare them for the test by drawing their attention to (and revising) areas that will be covered. This is semi-legitimate and most teachers do it. If something will not be included, make sure they know. You should provide a lot of detail, including some model questions that closely resemble the actual questions in the exam. For example, on the whiteboard:

If I _______ (have) a million pounds, I ______ ____ (buy) a yacht.

And in the test:

If I _______ (have) a thousand dollars, I ______ ____ (buy) a bike.

Sometimes the test questions are taken directly from a workbook or some other textbook, so you can inadvertently do them beforehand.

If there is a listening test, your school probably has a rule that you should play the tape no more than twice. The trick here is to frown deeply during the listening, and fiddle with the controls. Shake your head about the “poor sound quality” and announce that “I think it would only be fair” for you to play it again. The sound quality might be particularly bad in certain sections of the tape, which you would have to play several times. Remember to complain to your DOS afterwards about the tape—“or perhaps the head needs cleaning”.

Another trick is to leave the classroom during the test—“And no cheating while I’m gone!” This is best done near the end of the test, by which time the students will know where they are stuck. Invent a pretext, like having to photocopy another answer sheet, and disappear for ten minutes. Do not forget to shut the door behind you.

If all else fails, you can always fix the marking.