English is spoken in more parts of the world than any other language. Which is great news for native English speakers who can’t hold down a proper job. But the language has changed over the centuries.

English is an Indo-European language. It is part of the Germanic subfamily and is grouped with its closest relative, Frisian, a language spoken chiefly by cows.

Despite what many Americans believe, English was not the language of Jesus or indeed the Bible. Jesus in fact spoke Yiddish, while the Bible was written in Esperanto.

There are three stages in the history of English: Old English or Anglo-Saxon (AD 449 to 1066), Middle English (1066 to 1450) and Modern English (from 1450).

Old English

Britain was a barbarous country inhabited by Celts until the English arrived in the 5th century and civilized it. By the 9th century, through the influence of King Arthur, the first ruler of all England, the West Saxon dialect dominated prose literature. The Mercian dialect, however, was used for poetry such as the 8th-century epic poem Beorbreth.

In the poem the hero Beorbreth rids the land of the monster Grungel and then Grungel’s mother-in-law. Fifty years later he challenges a dragon, but dies of old age before he can get his helmet on.

In this period English grammar was nastier than it is now and even harder to teach sleace el-þeodige geonge leorneras (lazy foreign teenage students). The vocabulary was limited, mostly centred on drinking.

Middle English

In 1066 the Normans arrived and civilized the country some more. One of the improvements they made to English was to strip away half of the grammar. They also added to the vocabulary. Before 1250 about 900 new words had appeared, mainly terms that the Anglo-Saxon peasants required in their dealings with their new masters, such as liege, tax and Norman bastards.

In this period Chaucer wrote The Canterbury Tales and its less successful sequel, The Basildon Yarns:

A povre clerk ther was of rude speche
Ydel and dronkelewe but englyssh he koude teche
His wages were nat ynogh for him to lyve
Yet faire yonge scolers he was wont to swyve.
The Basildon Yarns

Modern version

There was an insolvent and politically incorrect office worker
Workshy and with an alcohol problem, but he could teach English.
Although his salary was insufficient for his subsistence,
He was liable to engage in inappropriate physical contact with attractive young students.

The Great Vowel Shift changed the pronunciation of 18 of the 20 vowels and diphthongs of Middle English. Unfortunately, William Caxton could not be bothered to update the spelling, resulting in the dog’s breakfast that persists today.

Modern English

In the early part of this period the vocabulary was enlarged by borrowings from more than 50 languages. Words were introduced by English travellers and merchants after their journeys overseas.

William Shakespeare single-handedly coined hundreds of words, including cannibal, barbecue, curry, cellulite, zebra crossing and—in this example—a fast food item:

SALERIO: There where your argosies, with portly sail— Like signiors and rich burgers on the flood... (The Merchant of Venice)

Unfortunately, in this period the grammar got more complicated again.

Colonial English

Around this time the English extended their historic civilising mission to other parts of the globe. Settlers borrowed few words from the peoples they enslaved or exterminated, but some survive (eg tomahawk, voodoo, kangaroo).

In America a troublemaker called Noah Webster persuaded his fellow countrymen to abandon standard English spellings. Just to make everything more complicated.

English today

English has become the world language. Less successful languages, such as French, just didn’t cut the mustard. Napoleon must be turning in his grave now that the little “nation of shopkeepers” is linguistically number one, while France scores... nul points.