-15: Applicant teacher arrives at school, sweating. Jabbers to DOS about taxi, traffic jam, etc. DOS icily indicates class pack.

-10: Other teachers eye applicant dubiously. Applicant tries to get them to do lesson plan for him.

-5: Photocopier breaks down.

-1: Teacher puts on frayed gaudy tie.

0: Enters class. Only one (nerdy) student present. Talks to student.

5: DOS arrives and slumps in corner. Teacher continues talking to nerdy student, looking despairingly at door from time to time.

10: Another student arrives. Teacher explains own complex variation of Hangman.

15: Third student arrives. Teachers repeats explanation.

20: Game starts. Other students arrive noisily and ask others who strange person is and how game works.

30: Game (10 minutes on lesson plan) ends. Teacher introduces self. Tells class name and nationality and describes home town, previous jobs and marriages, current job and girlfriend, interests, opinions, etc. Gets class to guess his age and is hugely miffed when they say “50”.

45: Takes register. Makes little joke about each student’s name.

50: Tells class to turn to page 89 in coursebook. Students chorus, “Already!” and indicate completed gap-fills. Teacher says, “Jesus, why wasn’t I fucking told?” and glares at DOS. Begins rummaging through book.

51: Catches sight of written instructions from DOS: Do page 98 in the coursebook.

52: Class turn to page 98: Defining relative clauses. Nerdy student asks teacher when it is possible to omit relative pronoun. Teacher opens mouth.

53: Teacher closes mouth. Says, “That’s a really good question.” Nerdy student: “Yes, but what’s the answer?” Teacher: “You can find out the answer yourselves as homework.” (Groans.)

54: Class do exercises in book. Teacher sits in front of them and stares into space.

56: Nerdy student says “Finished!” Teacher wonders if it would be OK to pop out for cigarette.

60: Students start gossiping (apart from thick student, still on Question 1). Teacher: “What, you can’t have finished already? What the fuck are we going to do now?”

61: Teacher goes through answers with class.

62: Teacher: “OK, look, you’d better do the stuff on page 99.” (Glances at DOS, who appears to be asleep.)

63: Class are looking expectantly at teacher. Teacher realizes page 99 is a listening exercise. Puts cassette in machine and presses Play.

64: Plugs cassette player into wall and switches on. Presses Play.

65: Takes out cassette, turns it round and re-inserts in machine. Presses Play, then Fast Forward, Rewind, etc.

70: Finds correct place on cassette. Plays dialogue.

72: Teacher: “Do you want to listen again?” Nerdy student: “No!” Teacher: “All right, let’s check the answers.”

73: Teacher looks at clock. 17 minutes left. Teacher: “OK, is there anything you’d like to ask me about er grammar or anything?” Silence.

74: Teacher: “All right, I know it’s a bit early, but this seems a good place to stop, so I hope you enjoyed the lesson and if the boss there decides to hire me, ha ha ha, I’ll see you all soon.” Students file out.

75: DOS stands up. Teacher: “Well, how do you think it went?”

75.05: DOS considers choice between hiring teacher and having to teach 24 hours a week himself.

75.06: DOS: “You can start on Monday.”