How can I become an English language teacher?
The easiest way is to turn up at the school of your choice and ask to see the DOS.

You: Got any jobs, mate?
DOS: Ever taught before?
You: Oh yes. Last year I was working at the Royal & Ancient Academy of the Queen’s English in Ulan Bator.
DOS: Hmm. Do you have any qualifications?
You: Yeah. Here’s me certificate. It’s a photocopy. The original’s in the vault of the Royal & Ancient Bank in Zurich. See, I’ve got a PDh in Advanced English Teaching and Linguistics.
DOS: You mean PhD.
You: Er, yeah.
DOS: Hmm. Well, Tina’s off sick again and Stewart’s still on holiday and Caroline is having yet another baby... When can you start?
You: Any time you like.
DOS: Good, this afternoon you’ll be teaching TOEFL, FCE, Business Advanced—oh, and the Mums and Toddlers class. Any questions?
You: Where’s the boardmarkers?

How can I stop being an English language teacher?
This is not so easy. All English teachers nurture fantasies of getting well-paid jobs in publishing, etc, but once you have taught for a few years, you cannot really do anything else. Some teachers go home and quickly remember why they went abroad in the first place.

Other teachers end up in prison, but even that does not help, as you will soon be teaching English to your cellmates, in exchange for cigarette butts, not getting left alone with the lag from Cell 4, etc.

Which countries are the best for fags, booze and shagging?
Cigarettes are dirt cheap in most developing countries. Likewise alcohol, so long as you avoid the Middle East, though your choice may be limited to bottled lager, allegedly laced with formaldehyde.

There is always far more shagging than meets the eye, even under repressive regimes. (Usually there’s nothing else to do.) It depends on how fussy you are.

What is your teaching philosophy in a nutshell?
He who can, does. He who cannot, teaches. He who cannot teach, teaches English. He who cannot teach English, becomes a DOS.