About the only perk of being an English teacher is getting a regular eyeful of tasty young students. Obviously the question on the lips of any new teacher is:

How do I get to shag them?

Will these pert, delectable youngsters have any interest in the drunken hairy wrecks that teach them English?

Not all English teachers are hideous, of course. But most are.

Male teachers are either weeds with specs or louts with beer guts. All wear grubby T-shirts and seldom shave.

Their female colleagues generally resemble red-faced, straggly haired hippos, clad in tents made from “ethnic” curtain material.

Both sexes drink vast quantities of beer, eat in squalid cafes, travel by public transport and constantly whinge about how broke they are.

Meanwhile the students wear the latest designer clothes, spend hours at the hairdresser’s every week, take holidays in fashionable resorts, drive Daddy’s Mercedes and talk incessantly into their mobile phones.

So how on earth am I going to score?
Fortunately, liaisons between teachers and students are not uncommon. Perhaps a spirit of enquiry or ennui impels the odd student towards carnal experimentation with a native English speaker.

Some students are so dazzled by the West—the allure of Disneyland, Hollywood, Westlife and McDonald’s—they fail to notice that none of this glamour has rubbed off on you. If you are teaching in a rather repressive country, the fact that you swill beer, swear like a trooper, leave your legs unshaven, etc will seem quite revolutionary.

If you are a woman in a country where virginity is highly prized, you could be the easiest (or cheapest) lay for hundreds of square miles.

Staggeringly enough, there are people in this world who are genuinely attracted to English teachers. Some African men, for example, prefer fat women with enormous bottoms. Scrawny middle-aged gay men used to being ignored in the pleasure domes of the West are stunned to find they are hot (or at least warm) items in Southeast Asia. And so on.

So how do I make the first move?
It is inadvisable to do this in class. Do not say, “Why not come to my house on Friday night for a little extra tuition, Fatuma?” You could try catching her after the lesson. To start with, meet somewhere safe and neutral, like a restaurant or cinema, in the company of her giggling chums.

If your school has an English Club, go on the outings. They provide a good opportunity for you to reveal your fascinating personality. Some of them may involve trips to the seaside, with semi-nudity and frolicking in the surf. (If your body is really horrible, this might not be such a good idea.)

Accept lifts from students. Aside from any romantic developments, you will not have to wait in the rain for the next overcrowded bus.

The disadvantage of all this is that you will have to spend time with tiresome students that you do not want to shag. You will have to talk to them in English without getting paid for it.

What if my DOS finds out?
DOSes are even uglier than ordinary teachers, so they might be envious. On the other hand, they earn twice as much money as you and are probably taking students out to restaurants that you can only gawp at from the street.

As a general rule, tell DOSes as little as possible about anything.