Unfortunately, it will be a few years before language schools can use robots to teach English. Meanwhile we are forced to employ unreliable humans. Sometimes these go sick and DOSes are forced to teach their classes for them. This is obviously a right pain.

Recruitment

Job applicants always bring golden endorsements from their previous employers, who will say anything to get rid of them. The teacher is a highly motivated member of the team, adored by the students, brimming with creativity, etcetera, etcetera. For some reason prospective employers rarely ask the one important question:

How many sickies did they take?

Ideally find out this information for the last five years. If the teacher has had more than 6 days off in a year, do not employ them.

Why do teachers go sick?

DOSes, always in obscenely robust health themselves, cannot really understand this. They assume the teacher is malingering. However, occasionally a teacher really needs to spend some time at home or in a hospital, at least until the abdominal stitches are removed.

Usually, of course, the teacher is lying. He or she is

1. hungover
2. lazy
3. depressed
4. in bed with a new squeeze
5. surfing

A hangover is not as common a reason as you would expect, simply because English teachers are hungover most mornings and regard the condition as normal. In fact, the shock of waking up without a hangover would probably make them take the day off. If they do use this excuse, a colleague can be relied on to betray them, so you will not need to check.

The other reasons are quite common and you may decide to investigate discreetly.

What to say when teachers phone in sick

When but a mere fledgling teacher, I was healthy for nine months, then took two days off sick. On the second day that I phoned in, the DOS did not ask how I was, but said abruptly, “We’re working ourselves into the ground here.” In other words, she was having to teach some of my classes.

Sometimes a teacher phones in sick with what sounds to you like a trivial ailment. The only correct thing to say on the phone is:

Oh, my goodness, how awful, I am sorry. Is there anything I can do?

Never, ever cast doubt on the teacher’s veracity or the severity of the complaint. Remember these proverbs:

• Revenge is a dish that can be eaten cold.
• Softly, softly, catchee monkey.

In any year there are bound to be one or two days when a teacher does not feel like dragging himself into work. The reasons are unimportant. What matters is those teachers who go sick and force you into the classroom all the time. These are the ones you need to fire.